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Even More of More Funny One Liner's

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Even More of More Funny One Liner's

Post by Tanzanite/Cindy on Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:00 am

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.

My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

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